– “In big cities even the fish are always running around“, 30 May 2018 New Scientist
DO YOU feel exhausted by the pace of city life? Ever hate yourself and the fish you’re turning into? Good. You’re almost certainly living life all wrong, and it’s time to panic over all the things you should be doing instead.
Here’s a handy list of ways you can live a better, stress-free life. Hurry up and read it now before you make things even worse for yourself, you molly.
Respire properly
Fed up with feeling stressed all the time? Worried all the other fish know something you don’t? Well they do, and I can’t believe you haven’t been let in on the secret yet. Where have you been hiding, under a rock like some sort of limpet? Still, it’s not too late to get started, though to all intents and purposes you’re practically bouillabaisse already. Try some deep breathing, but with more of the deep and less of the breathing. And for god’s sake don’t think any negative thoughts, you blenny, they’ll just keep making things worse.
Exercise regularly
Surely you don’t want to be the ONLY slob in the ocean without a perfectly-toned beach body, do you? As you all wash ashore and slowly suffocate to death, wouldn’t you like your last thought to be how much more appetising you look than everyone else? Make time in your day to stretch, lift some weights, and do some light cardio. It doesn’t have to be much, you pathetic burbot – eighteen twelve-minute reps fourteen times a day should do it, and double on weekends.
Eat well
Have you been watching what you’ve been eating? I bet not, you absolute clownfish. City water is swimming in all sorts of chemicals that don’t form part of a balanced diet. Testosterone, oestrogen, PCBs, animal grease – you name it, someone somewhere flushed it down the toilet. If you want to survive out there you’re going to need to be more discriminating about what you unhook your lower jaw for. Make a set of rules for yourself that best reflect your lifestyle and then change them randomly any time you feel guilty. Guilt is your friend, you 100% blobfish, and don’t you forget it.
Make time for yourself
Take advantage of your mornings, you lazy pollock. Why satisfy yourself with just 16 of the hours god sends? Wake up four or five hours earlier and gorge yourself on the sight of all that potential productivity just aching to be tapped. Devote an hour every morning to obsessing over whether or not you’re being the best fish you can be, and beat yourself up if you’re not being kind enough to yourself. Be kind to yourself, you dace! You chub! You total morwong!
Once that’s done, put those other hours to good use. Learn a new language, swim across the Pacific, or evolve legs. It’s amazing what you can do if you don’t spend all your time feeling stressed, you goby.