– “Pluto is not a planet – it’s a billion comets squished together”, New Scientist, 25 May 2018
SCIENTISTS interpreting the latest signals from Pluto have come closer to revealing its true identity.
“For a long time we thought it was a planet,” said Una Científica. “Then we reclassified it as a dwarf planet. Then we listened closer and discovered it was actually a virulent misogynist and vocal member of the alt-right.”
The news has come as a shock to billions of Pluto’s former fans, many of whom had hoped that a lump of rock on the outer edges of the solar system would be incapable of adopting a problematic attitude towards women.
“I thought it couldn’t say anything stupid,” said A Fan. “That’s why I liked it. Now it turns out it’s been saying stupid things all along and I just wasn’t paying attention.”
Pluto’s comments come at a bad time for planets, which have seen their popularity dip in comparison to pulsars and black holes. These latest revelations may even see them drop below chondrules, which would be surprising because chondrules are really boring and besides nobody actually knows what they are.
“I’ve been silenced,” said Pluto in a prepared statement. “There are just so many things I’m not allowed to say. Largely because I’m a giant ball of frozen nitrogen, but also because I don’t have an atmosphere and therefore sound doesn’t travel. Oh, and political correctness. That too.”
Reactions from Pluto’s fellow planets have been mixed, with Venus suggesting that Pluto apologise and perhaps leave the solar system for a while, and the others all falling over themselves to suggest Venus stop overreacting and give Pluto a second chance.
“It’s not an easy life,” said a planet close to Pluto who wished to remain anonymous but is actually really really close to Pluto so may not be as well-concealed as all that. “It has unique demands and challenges, which is normally a good way to start a sentence that ends with excusing misogyny.”
Support has also come from unexpected corners, with President Trump tweeting: “Tremendous shame about Pluto. Even a much-loved (and great) dog is not safe from this SICK witch hunt.”
For the moment, Pluto is unlikely to face any serious consequences, what with it being an icy glob seven and a half billion kilometres away from Earth. In the future, though, there may be ways to keep it in line.
“We could send humans there,” said Científica. “That’ll teach it.”