– “4-year-olds care more about plants and animals than sick people“, New Scientist, 6 June 2018
Cutilitarianism
All living things are created equal, unless I’ve seen it in my picture book or it makes a funny noise in which case it’s better especially if it’s a rabbit or a giraffe and even more so if it’s got wheels.
Allows for easy resolution of the trolley problem, in that the most adorable thing always wins. Single parent with a heart condition versus little rubber ducky? Little rubber ducky. Busload of pensioners with the secrets of human happiness versus pretty bowl of strawberries? Strawberries hands down. Adorable baby puppy versus adorable baby kitten? I don’t like this game anymore and if you don’t stop I’ll tell mummy you made me cry.
Intuitive realism
The notion that individuals experience the same outward phenomena in divergent ways. How do we know, for example, that my red is the same as your red, or that what you see as a pair of filthy hands are not in fact totally clean hands that simply happen to look as though they’ve been plunged up to the elbow in mud? Or possibly chocolate, who can tell.
This non-objectivity of external qualia has deep and troubling consequences, most notably that this broccoli tastes like garbage and me no wanna eat it.
Post-identitarianism
The understanding that the self, if it can be said to exist at all, has a locus outside the patriarchal construct of identity, or else, what, you mean auntie can see me even when I’m hiding behind the couch?
This flexibility of self-representation negates society’s syncretism of personal ontology, for who is to decide if I am truly a naughty girl or simply expressing myself creatively through the medium of shoe polish and carpet?
Copenhagen Constructivism
Lego qua Lego is in itself a force for good in an inherently chaotic and unstable cosmos, especially those sneaky little pieces with sharp edges that are the same shade of yellow as the carpet.
The jejune concept of “tidying up”, so popular among the pre-me generation, is fundamentally unsound in ways I would expand on at length if it weren’t inter alia also time for my nap.
Ludic deontology
Nothing is real, and so existence is merely an ontic illusion and I can have an extra spoonful of pudding before going to bed.
An important corollary introduced by the Mattel School says that all life is play: including the exact moment at cousin Susie’s wedding when grandpa Tony walks her up the aisle and I decide to pretend she’s a train.
Anti-Brendanism
Skepticism as to the utility and indeed purpose of a younger brother.
Neo-Anti-Brendanism (also called anti-Meganism)
What do you mean, twins??!